The Misadventures of April and Ann
by Ellenore Carter
Summary: Silly April/Ann oneshots
1. Chapter 1

Ann/April Body Swap

Ann woke up one particularly horrible Monday morning with a splitting migraine and a thick, muscular arm slung across her stomach. She'd been at the Snakehole the night before for Leslie's birthday, so the fact that she'd taken home some male company wasn't that surprising, while it was disheartening. At least he didn't get up and leave while she was sleeping. That always felt like a sharp kick in the ego-testicles.

What was a little more surprising was that, upon looking around, she realized that she wasn't actually at home, which was weird because even drunk Ann was terrified of getting lured into some person's house and being murdered. Upon further, more panicked, investigation, Ann also realized that the arm around her was attached to the one and only Andy Dwyer. Several thoughts went through her head at this discovery, none of which were lacking expletives, and all of which were incoherent with the screaming, freak-out fireworks going off in her head.

"Andy? What the hell?" she said, hoarse from sleep, and her voice sounded wrong. It was lower and darker, like she'd been eating cat food and the souls of children the night before. Andy stirred and opened his adoring puppy eyes.

"Morning, Babe, what's up?" he woofed cheerily. Ann struggled frantically to get away from him and consequently fell out of the bed onto the floor. The dignified, certified nurse stood back up and glared at him.

"Babe? Andy, where's April?" she demanded. Andy's face got all scrunched up and his mouth made a little o like it does when he feels like he's missing something.

"What do mean, April, you're right there- Oh my god! Are we playing that amnesia game again? I'm so excited, ok one second-" Andy closed his eyes, to get into character for one of his and April's weird roleplaying games presumably. "Miss. Snakehole, I'm Officer Burt Macklin, we found you unconscious under a bridge three days ago. Do you remember the face of your attacker?"

Ann stared at him with her mouth hanging open for what must have been a long time, but she couldn't help it. Dealing with the situation at hand was like giving her brain a pair of chopsticks and ordering it to build a space shuttle. She was completely unequipped. So Ann did what April would say Ann does best, she ignored the problem and walked away. Scratch that, April would probably say Ann does strangers best, but that's just April being April.

Eventually Ann ended up looking into a mirror, and she regretted it almost immediately. Instead of her own face looking back at her, which is what a person usually expects when looking into a mirror, April's dark, angry face was there, with horrified shock all over it. Ann though that maybe that was sort of a pleasant change from April's usual soul-devouring look of self-contentedness, but the thought didn't have much time to fester in her, because she was too busy screaming and clawing at her—April's—face to focus on something trivial like that.

Eventually Ann managed to take a deep breath, and she decided she'd better get dressed, so she told Andy he should go somewhere because she needed some privacy. He nodded and heartily went off to practice with Mouserat or something. Ann fleetingly missed how trusting Andy always was; this thought was extremely unnerving.

April owned a lot of black, and a lot of tights, and oh god is that a vibrator? Ann shuddered and pulled a pair of jeans and a brightly colored blouse from the back of one of the drawers. After she changed out of her—April's—pajamas and dressed herself with her eyes closed, the woman looked into the mirror and smiled.

"Oh, April, you almost look like a respectable young woman in these-" the smile faded. "Oh my god. Are these my clothes? What the hell?"

When she got a hold of herself enough to drive, Ann sped all the way to city hall, and then when she got there she ran all way to the parks department, which was hard because April's legs were skinnier and shorter than hers. She fell twice, but no one saw the second time.

Eventually Ann made it to the comfortingly familiar parks office, and she wondered what she was thinking she'd do there that'd be of any help. It was a little cool, in a sick oh-god-I'm-in-April-Lugate's-body kind of way, how people cowered away from her when she entered the room, especially Jerry. Fucking Jerry. Honestly this was probably his fault.

"Oh hello everybody, it's just me, slutty Ann. Hey Jerry, wanna make out in a supply closet?"

Ann froze at the sound of her own voice booming through the office. She whipped around and stared in horror at her own body acting suspiciously like April was inside of it. Ann's body noticed Ann, who looked like April, a few seconds later. Ann's body glared at her, and Ann thought that that must be some kind of betrayal.

"Oh hey there April, I was just looking for every man you've ever loved so that I can make out with them. Or maybe we should just make out and get it over with. I've got this weird crush on you, and that's why I won't leave you alone and why I have a weird obsession with being your friend-" Ann, in April's body, ran at Ann's body, presumably with April in it, and dragged her out of the room and into Ann's office.

"April?" April's body asked, demanded, and Ann's body choked down a smug smirk.

"Yeah. Ann?"

"Yeah. What the hell did you do to us?" At this accusation, April actually broke her stolid, unimpressed act to look indignant.

"Oh my god, Ann. You think _I_ switched our bodies? Why the fuck would I want to be trapped in your old hag body? I took off your bra this morning and I stubbed my toe on your boobs. How do I know _you_ didn't use your sad, lonely witch sorcery to switch us?"

"Because _you're_ the witch, April!" Ann shrieked in April's voice. She quickly reverted to her closed-eyed, deep-breathing self. "Ok, April, this is super weird, and we're in this together so we're just going to have to cooperate-"

"Ugh, can't we be mad for a little longer? You're so annoying when you're being sensible, also why did you dress me in that? I'm hideous."

Ann crossed April's arms over April's chest and scoffed.

"Are you kidding me, April? Aren't you even a little worried about what's happening to us?"

April just shrugged Ann's shoulders.

"I'm pretty sure this is just a dream, or something, so I don't really care. I was just going to mess with you until I wake up and get to mess with you in real life," the girl explained and pushed her way out of the office, leaving a gaping Ann to watch herself walk away to go sabotage her entire life.

Later on, when Ann had been sitting at April's desk for a few hours, being too helpful and kind, and getting wayward, questioning glares from Ron every time she sweetly pointed an enraged citizen towards his office, April pranced into the room. She'd tied the shirt she was wearing earlier so that it revealed Ann's pleasantly toned stomach, and she'd painted a thick layer of hooker makeup onto Ann's face.

"Any of you want to get your hands on this sexy slab of hag-meat? I've got a lap-dance special, two for the price of one-"

Ann stood up then, before Tom could jump on that killer deal, and started shouting. The suppressed rage in her abdomen coupled with the immunity that goes with being trapped in someone else's body gave her the strength she needed to fight back.

"No, look at me everyone, I'm April. I'm a cynical, bratty, little sociopath who holds petty grudges for fun. I enjoy long walks on the beach, pretending to be deep, having conversations with schizophrenic people, and wrecking your life," Ann bellowed, and her body grinned at her as if to say "well look who just decided to make this even better."

April sauntered a few steps closer to herself and put her hands on Ann's hips before suggestively gyrating them.

"Yeah? Well I wouldn't feel too bad, April. You have to deal with my stupid ugly face all day every day, also Jerry sucks-"

"Hey," Jerry grunted from his desk. Ann, in April's body, looked over her own body's shoulder with a frown on her face.

"Sorry Jerry."

"Thank you, April, that's very kind of you-"

"Oh my god Jerry, shut up, we're in the middle of something," actual April snarled, and Jerry shut up. "As I was saying, April, maybe you wouldn't be so cynical if I wasn't so terrible all the time."

Ann's chest and throat burned with acidy anger, and April's fingernails dug into her palms so hard it hurt.

"You're not terrible, Ann, you're actually really nice to me despite my determination to be a total bitch to you because I'm jealous that my boyfriend thinks you're sexier than me-" Ann stopped when her body froze and went pale. April narrowed Ann's eyes and flounced out of the room.

Ann, as April, was left with the entirety of the parks department staring at her with their mouths hanging open. She laughed awkwardly and waved April's hands in the air.

"We're, um, working on a comedy sketch for the talent show. It's a work in progress," the woman explained, and cringed because what the hell kind of an explanation was that? What talent show? She decided not to think about it and went after April instead.

She found April crying in her office with the blinds drawn, and honestly it felt really weird watching herself cry from that angle.

Instantly she regretted her words, they probably weren't even true, but she knew April was especially vulnerable when it came to Andy's crush on Ann,—wow that's a lot of A names it's hard to keep them straight—and it seemed really cruel in hindsight to use that against the girl who was almost ten years younger than her. Because she was a hyper-decent person, Ann ignored the fact that April dug her needley, little fingers into every insecurity she'd ever had at every turn.

"Oh god, April, I'm sorry. That was horrible of me. It's not true. Andy is crazy about you-"

"I don't care about stupid Andy, Ann," April mumbled. She'd stopped crying at least, and she crossed Ann's arms over her chest with an indignant pout on Ann's face. Ann looked confused.

"You don't? You guys seem so happy together."

"He's happy. I'm bored. You know why I didn't freak out this morning when I woke up as you?"

Ann went to sit across from April, April's heart pounding in her chest. She felt like the girl was about to make herself emotionally available, and Ann did not want to blow this.

"Why?" she said in what she hoped was an encouraging tone. April took a deep breath and stared at Ann's feet.

"Because it was the best thing that ever happened to me. Ever since I met you I wanted to be you, or at least get you to like me, but you wouldn't pay attention to me unless I was super mean to you. So even though it was really lame, I dated your stupid ex-boyfriend, and I made fun of you all the time because otherwise I was just Leslie's temp. I knew we couldn't be friends, but if I was mean, at least you'd notice me."

Ann felt April's cold, shriveled heart break a little in her chest and April's face, being controlled by Ann's brain, got soft with sudden kinship.

"April, I said I wanted to be friends with you. You could've just dropped the act then-"

"Would you really believe me if I did, Ann? You'd think I was trying to trick you, and once you figured out I wasn't tricking you, you'd just get bored and ignore me again. The only reason you wanted to be my friend was because I pretended not to like you and it was like a competition for you, but whatever you won now so congratulations."

Ann got out of her chair to pull April to her feet and hug her.

"April, you're awesome, ok? I've always thought that, and I was probably ignoring you because I was scared of you-" Ann spluttered to a stop when her own body bent down to kiss her flush on the lips. She would probably tell people later that she resisted a little more and a little faster than she actually did.

"Oh my god this is so weird," she mumbled against her own face, and her lips laughed.

"I kinda dig it," April growled and kissed herself harder. Suddenly the door was opening and Leslie was standing in the doorway with a shocked, if not self-satisfied, look on her face.

"It's a birthday miracle!" the woman cheered after a few seconds of soaking in what was happening. April and Ann separated and narrowed their eyes at her.

"What?" Ann, as April, breathed. Leslie smiled wider.

"A birthday miracle! For my birthday I wished that you guys would be able to understand each other more and get along better, looks like it worked!"

In that second, April and Ann were suddenly in their correct bodies and that was a huge relief because with all that inception shit going on, there was a dangerously high risk of head explosions.

"Yay," Ann said half-heartedly, waving one of her hands a little bit, and April agreed with a matching hand-wave. Leslie clapped and as she walked away they heard her talking to herself.

"I can't believe that worked, next year I'll have to wish for Ron and Tom."


	2. Chapter 2

*An AU in which April is a corrupt government leader's advisor, and Ann is a CIA agent (not a real-life one, more like the ones in movies)*

A.N./ I watched the same two Janet Snakehole clips on youtube about forty times to get April's dialogue right, so just know that I care about you people./A.N.

Ann Perkins, a dignified CIA agent, stood just inside a room fit for the tyrannical anarchist she was trying to meet with. It was dark with red leather accents, and everything was made of mahogany. Bottles of very old whiskey lined the walls. There was a gold-colored telescope, too many old-timey globes, a map made a long time ago mounted on the wall, and a huge, dark-wood desk at which an infuriating young woman sat, barring Ann from meeting with the man she came to meet with.

"Ann Parkinsons?" the sultry gatekeeper, who inexplicably managed to make bangs work for her, grumbled. Ann pursed her lips and nodded because why did she think this assignment was going to go any differently.

"Perkins, actually, but it doesn't matter because I'm not here to see Duke Silver's advisor. I'm here to see him. So if you would tell me where he is-"

"Duke Silver isn't available right now. He's away."

"Away where?"

"I don't know, the woods somewhere. He's more of a symbolic leader of the people. I do most of the work around here."

Ann fumed just a little bit but kept a hold of her composure, like she was trained to do at all costs.

"Ok, well according to this list of demands," she pulled a wrinkled piece of parchment out of her pocket and unfolded it, "that he sent to the United States president via falcon," Ann paused to shoot a skeptical look at the girl, "I'm supposed to be here at this exact time on this exact day to deliver the requested items to him, so why the hell is Silver out in the woods?"

April, the advisor, allowed herself a tiny, smug grin and put her feet up on her desk.

"Oh, you're here about the demands," she said and it was vague what she meant by the statement. Ann narrowed her eyes and crossed her arms over her chest.

"Is that a question? That's what I just said. I'm here about Duke Silver's demands-"

"Those aren't Silver's demands. They're my demands."

Ann, again, looked skeptical. She referred to the list.

"So you're saying that you requested 'fingernail ice-cream, any flavor,' from the US government?"

April shrugged.

"So?"

Ann fumed some more.

"So I'm not getting paid enough for this. I brought a tub of mostly melted vanilla ice cream and a baggie of fingernail clippings because Mr. Obama doesn't have time to interpret your insane-person gibberish, and neither do I. Also, I brought a baggie of dog hair and a personal pie from McDonalds for the," Ann checked the list again, "'dog hair pie, any flavor.' Seriously?"

April shrugged some more.

"What about number four? Did you get that?"

Ann didn't have to check the list for that one. She'd read it probably fifty times hoping it'd change if she wanted it to bad enough. Unlike every children's film she'd ever watched, her relatively ambitious dream did not come true. Disney was a fucking liar. Depending on whether or not you indulge in conspiracy theories, you might even say Disney *is* a fucking liar.

"Item four, a 'tall, thin brunette with a nice smile and a friendly demeanor to seduce me for secrets,' yep. Here I am."

"Ok well tell them I sent you back and I want a refund. Your friendly demeanor is faulty and your smile is too slutty."

Red-hot rage boiled in Ann's usually very tolerant brain, but instead of entertaining the desire to lunge across the room and choke the young tyrannical advisor, she smiled and threw her hands out to indicate that she didn't give a shit.

"I'm thirty-four and I came here to seduce a nineteen year old girl for secrets; an element of sluttiness is unavoidable. Your prank is over now, April. It was hilarious. Please tell me I can leave the stuff and go-"

April interrupted because Ann was using this fake-happy/tired voice that was like sound-gravel.

"No way, I requested a seductress. Since you're the best the CIA could do I guess I'll have to settle for a sub-par Hooters waitress, but if you want my secrets you'd better start seducting."

"Seriously?"

"Do I look like I'm joking, Ann?"

Admittedly, she didn't, but with a sense of humor as dry as April's you could never be completely sure. After an uncomfortable stare-off, April won and Ann groaned.

"Alright, get over here. One lap dance, April, that's it. Do you understand me?"

Again April's face contorted just for a second into an amused, closed-mouth grin as she got up and pulled her chair so that it was just a foot away from Ann. The girl sat down and raised her eyebrows as if to say "your move, lady." Ann groaned, louder this time and straddled April's lap. April looked fake-offended.

"You're gonna do this wearing that? Ann you prude," the girl protested, slipping into an accent toward the end. Ann's expression displayed her disbelief for April, as much as she tried to maintain a poker face.

"I'm wearing a leather cat suit, April" Ann breathed, and there was a pleading for mercy in her voice. April wasn't the merciful type. She leaned close to Ann's face, produced a comically old fashioned cigarette holder, took a drag from said cigarette, and stuck out her bottom lip.

"That's Janet Snakehole to you, sweetcheeks, and you'll never get my secrets dressed in something so modest," the girl announced in a heavier accent, and even though she seemed confident, Ann noticed her free hand gripping the side of her chair so hard her knuckles were white. For some reason, April was scared, and that little piece of golden information gave Ann the courage to proceed. She narrowed her eyes and unzipped the top of her suit down to her navel.

"One lap dance," the woman reiterated, sterner than before. April raised a brow, and in that moment it became a competition to see which of them would give up first, which was probably not for the best. In fact it was probably what sent the shit flying toward the fan, and we all know how that ends up.

April reached back and hit shuffle on her ipod and something by Lana Del Rey started playing.

"You listen to Lana Del Rey?" Ann grunted. April made a snooty face at her, still in character.

"Never you mind what I listen to, Candydragon, you just do your dance. Make me forget my responsibilities."

Ann rolled her eyes and got to dancing. She threw her legs around April's back and put her hands on the girl's shoulders. With her solid C-sized chest level with Miss. Snakehole's face, Ann moved her body to the smooth sound of Lana Del Rey's voice as best she could. Honestly it was embarrassing how bad at being sensuous she was. Mostly the woman balanced herself above April and shook her shoulders. A few times, she slipped and rammed herself against the girl. At one point she actually had to stop herself from laughing as she bent over in front of April with her ass in the air and just sort of shook like she was a ragdoll stretching after yoga.

As Ann writhed and ground on the thinner, frailer body beneath her, she had to admit she was a little glad it wasn't Duke Silver instead. With some powerful man, the act would've felt defiling, degrading, or some other derogatory d-word, but with a girl, a girl who was younger than her and who clearly had a sense of humor, it was just silly. She felt light instead of sick, and the way April's breathing got heavier every second wasn't not flattering, even if it was unnerving. More unnerving though was how fast Ann's own heart was beating, and long after the song was over and a new one started, she was still dancing.

April realized they'd let time get away from them first and jumped at the chance to reinforce an illusion of control.

"Boy kid, you've got more spunk than my dead husband, but that's probably because he's dead. If you want my secrets you'll have to do better than that. I'm Janet Snakehole, the wealthy widow, not some ten cent whore-"

She was forced to stop talking when Ann lunged forward and planted a deep kiss on her mouth, and then another one on her neck, to which April responded by blowing a long breath out of her nose and letting her rigid frame relax into the rich-leather chair. After just a second, Ann detached her lips from the girl's flesh and moved so that she was breathing almost directly into April's ear.

"How about that, April?" the woman breathed, breathier than expected, and pushed the vague feeling that she was being a complete pedophile out of her mind. This is what being a government agent was about, seducing girls who aren't old enough to drink for secrets they might not even have. April waved the cigarette holder around a little.

"Ann, you really know how to please a woman. I'll buy you all the secrets you want. What do you say you and me get a little place down in Mexico? I have family there, you see, and investments, lots of investments. More importantly the government will never find me there-"

Ann groaned and sat back on April's knees.

"You can drop the act, April. I know you don't have any secrets. It's fine, I'll just go-" Ann got up as she spoke, and April mimicked the action and grabbed the woman's wrist so she couldn't leave.

"Ann wait," she said in her normal, begrudging voice, "I can give you Duke Silver's real identity; that's like the only secret I have."

Ann softened and smiled at April, who let go of her wrist.

"Thanks, April, that'd be awesome-" again Ann choked to a stop, this time at a sudden pressure at the base of her neck. The woman felt the spot and pulled a colorful dart out of her flesh. With her head swimmy like it was, Ann just stared at the thing with her eyes focusing and unfocusing while April's voice, Janet's voice more accurately, echoed in her head.

"You thought you'd catch me that easily, Perkins? I'm Janet Snakehole; I've got connections, dahling. You'll never get your filthy paws on my rubies or my secrets," the words dissolved into maniacal cackling.

Ann became aware of the distinct feeling of falling, and then everything went black.

When the unfortunate agent woke up, her supervisor, Leslie Knope, was standing over her with a frown on her face.

"Perkins, I'm disappointed. What happened out there?"

Ann groaned and shrugged.

"I really really don't know, Leslie."


	3. Chapter 3

A.N./ an AU in which Leslie went a different direction with her political platform regarding two gay penguins, also April/Andy happened and ended, also if you're reading this I assume you enjoy the April/Ann pairing so I'll suggest a song that I feel like is legitimately made for them: Brooklyn Baby, Lana Del Rey. Alright, all done. /A.N.

Ann walked into Leslie's home, wearing all black as requested, for a "super-secret policy planning meeting." It was a little after 1am, and a-little-after-1-am Ann was a lot less equipped to cope with the fact that not only Leslie but also April was awaiting her arrival than Ann of a reasonable hour was. This was going to be one hell of a morning.

"Now Ann," Leslie scolded gently, dragging the woman's attention away from April's motionless face like she was some kind of snotty painting. "My super-secret text said 'precisely 1am.'"

"Oh yeah, that text you sent me on my cellphone?"

"Yes."

"The one I read to everyone in the office, including you, because I couldn't understand what it meant?"

"You've made your point you intelligent, sugary whirlwind," Leslie said, still smiling so wide Ann thought her face might crack in half. The beautiful, ethnically ambiguous woman made a mental note to apologize for her snippiness later. Right then, she was feeling too snippy to apologize.

"In some cultures, it's considered appropriate to kill the last person who arrives to a gathering as an offering to the gods," April said with a perfectly maintained straight face throughout. Ann grunted and went to sit across from the two of them.

When she was settled in, Leslie began her pitch.

"So, as you both know, I'm the queen of the gays-"

April and Ann shook their heads.

"The leader of the gays-"

Head shake.

"As you know, I'm a representative of the gay community in Pawnee, but what's a little hard to explain to the press is that I don't have any gay friends."

"Ben is pretty gay," April interjected helpfully. Leslie did her little pursed-lip, I'm-disappointed-in-you-but-you're-cute look, and continued.

"Anyway, I need a huge favor from you two…" the matriarch of the parks department hinted, trailing off meaningfully towards the end.

"Ew, I'm not having sex with Ann. I don't want herpes."

"April, what? No. I am not asking you to have sex with Ann, even though she is the most beautiful woman I know-"

"Thanks, Leslie," Ann breathed, praying that they would please just move on, and oh god is it hot in here?

"I'm asking you to marry her," Leslie said, and Ann stopped breathing. After a second, she did that nervous laugh that grated on April and basically forced the girl to mock her.

"You're hilarious, Leslie-"

"Oh Ann, you gorgeous, air-headed, mouth-breathing shit-stain, I think it's a splendid idea that we be joined in holy matrimony," April countered, her voice just a tiny bit sharper than it usually was. Ann pursed her lips and only looked at Leslie with her brows raised.

There were a few moments of uncomfortable quiet before Leslie could think of something to say.

"I know you two have your problems, but it would mean so much to me if you would just marry each other, convince Pawnee that you're gay and that I have gay friends, and live happily ever after together in your adorable, open, lesbian relationship. That's not too much to ask is it? I'd do the same thing for either of you, you guys know that."

Leslie had them there, and they could see in the way her eyes twinkled that she knew she had them.

"Woah, April and Ann, you guys are lesbians?" Tom gasped with a shocked smile on his face. Before Ann could tell the small man to contain his boner, April answered with her perfect straight face. That's straight in the emotionless sense, not the heterosexual sense. April was unnervingly good at faking gay.

"We're not just lesbians, Tom; we're lesbians together. I've slept with Ann more times than you have," and she slapped Ann's ass just a little too hard. Ann winced, but she smiled, and it wasn't as difficult as she'd been thinking it'd be. A hand on her ass was a hand on her ass, even if it was connected to April.

"Aqua and white? Ew no. Let's have an all-black wedding."

Ann groaned and let her arms fall onto the table as loudly as she could get them to. She'd been dealing with April's stubbornness, bad attitude, and that deadpan thing she loves where you can't tell if she's joking or not, for weeks. It was like pulling teeth planning this wedding she didn't even want to happen.

"April, you're impossible. I realize you hate me, and that's whatever, but could you just work with me for, like, a second, for Leslie?"

April groaned, but slid the bridal book they were paging through over to herself so she could look at it closer.

"What if we did black and gold? It'd be classy but different," the girl conceded after a while of genuinely showing interest, and it made Ann feel warm in the middle. She dismissed this feeling as relief or something and refused to call it what it really, really felt like.

"Yeah, April, I'd love that."

"I bet you would, because I'm your beautiful and probably unfaithful trophy wife with a dark past, and you give me whatever I want." There wasn't mocking in her voice when she said it, and Ann actually laughed because this time she wasn't the butt of the joke.

It felt good to laugh with April, which was strange.

Ann and April walked together from a consultation with their florist, when a few young men started shouting and caught their attention.

"Hey April, heard you were a dyke!" the tallest one yelled at them. Ann felt her fake fiancé get rigid at her side.

"How do you know you don't like guys if you've never taken a real cock before? Suck mine and you'll beg me to fuck you with it-"

"Hey!" Ann snarled so fiercely April jumped next to her. The boys weren't all that deterred.

"What, cunt? We weren't talking to you-"

"Yeah, well I'm talking to you, jackass," Ann roared and started advancing on them, "Who the fuck do you think you are talking to my fiancé like that?"

The tall one looked indignant while his company backed up a few steps.

"Listen, bitch-"

"No. You listen to me, kid, I will tear your fucking head off." The nurse, with all her knowledge of nerve centers and pressure points, came face to face with the young misogynist who was too proud to back down and jabbed him hard in the chest. Suddenly he was bent over and gasping for breath. Ann grabbed a fistful of hair at the nape of his neck and smashed his face with crushing velocity against her knee.

The others ran away and left their friend writhing and moaning on the ground.

"Have some respect…, bitch," Ann grunted, and spit on him for dramatic effect. She walked back to a stunned April without a glance behind her.

"Shit Ann, that was awesome," the girl breathed, an admiring smile on her face, and Anne laughed and shrugged.

"Anything for you, my spunky, young trophy wife."

"You don't want to wear white?" Ann sighed, and April shook her head.

"No, and you shouldn't either. Tradition says wearing white means you're a virgin. I'm not a virgin, and you're whatever the complete opposite of a virgin is, Succubus," the girl explained passively. Ann groaned, and it was a little bit sexy how she threw her head back with her mouth open. April blinked a few times in an attempt to get that thought out of her head.

"Ok, whatever, if you don't want to wear white for our fake wedding, that's fine. Do you want to do gold and black? That'll at least make some sense-"

"Ann," April grunted, and Ann was pulled out of her stress rant.

"Hm?"

"It doesn't really matter what we wear-"

"Because it's not real," Ann finished, but April crossed her arms and narrowed her eyes.

"No. Because we'll both look good no matter what, especially you. Stop stressing about it. It's lame that you're so insecure about stuff. You're really pretty."

Ann stared at her young fiancé with her mouth hanging open. Had she just received a compliment from _the_ April Ludgate, the April Ludgate who she used to pray would be in a good enough mood to ignore her for the day? It was a long time before she responded.

"April, thank you. You're really pretty too."

After a few long, pointless conversations with Leslie serving as a mediator, Ann and April decided that Ann would walk down the aisle and April would wait for her at the altar. Naturally that's what they decided because that's what April wanted, and April always gets what she wants.

So Ann waited behind the doors for her cue to begin her procession. There were like three news stations present, and the woman couldn't imagine what they were thinking they were going to catch on tape. The wedding was pretty, and gay, but really it wasn't different enough to justify more than Pawnee Local News, or an article in the newspaper.

Ann also had to admit that the publicity was a little bit irritating. Could she not get fake, gay married to a girl more than ten years younger than her in privacy? No it wasn't a real wedding, but what if it had been? How intimate and special could a wedding be knowing it would be televised the next day- oh shit that was the cue.

The doors opened and Ann rushed a little to catch up to where she should've been on the red carpet Tom had insisted upon at that point in the song. After a few seconds, and one almost undetectable, little stumble, Ann looked up and caught April's eye. The girl was stunning with her hair up out of her face, and she was smiling. It actually made Ann's heart flutter a little to see her there with a…loving? look on her face. Weird.

It took a few chuckles from onlookers before Ann realized she wasn't walking anymore. The woman laughed herself and continued on. Before long she was standing across from the sultry, young animal-lover with eyes like glaciers, and Leslie was saying those words they always say at weddings, but Ann wasn't really listening. She was looking into April's huge, gorgeous eyes, for once without feeling afraid or defiant.

"Ann, are you deaf? Your vows," April whispered, still smiling like Ann was some adorable, forgetful, Shetland pony.

"Oh yeah," she breathed, and another gentle laugh spread through the crowd as Ann unfolded a worn piece of paper.

"April," she looked up at April, and then back down at her notes, "we never really got along, but I always knew there was a human somewhere underneath your surly exterior, and thanks to Leslie, I got to know that human, and I realized how kind, sensitive, understanding, and gentle you could really be. I fell in love with the human in you, and today is the happiest day of my life, because I get to spend forever with your humor, your smile, your soul, and your beautiful mind."

Leslie started crying, and Ann realized that plenty of people in the audience already were.

"Ann," April started; she'd memorized her vows, "when I first met you, I thought you were really lame so I was mean to you, and I wish I hadn't been because you're actually pretty cool, and Leslie's right when she says all those crazy things about you. Thanks for being my gorgeous, charming, silly, quaint daffodil, Ann. I love you."

They exchanged rings and suddenly it was time to kiss the bride, and Ann was a little too-ok with that.

The women leaned forward and their lips met, and it wasn't lightning or fireworks or explosions like people always say it is when you kiss someone you love, but it was warm, and it made both women realize that they really did love each other, the past be damned.

Leslie actually had to break them up when the kiss stopped being PG, and the ceremony dissolved into a reception with wine and dancing and laughing and crying.

"You guys, thank you so much, you have no idea how much this means to me and how much it'll help my campaign," Leslie gushed when they were all alone together at Ann's house. April and Ann smiled at her from where they say, hands touching, on a cozy loveseat.

"It's the least we could do, Leslie, really," Ann said, and April shrugged.

"Yeah, Mann Perkins isn't worse than a flesh-eating disease after all," the girl grumbled, in her deadpan voice Ann was appreciating more and more lately.


End file.
